Jerry Sadowitz and The Ghost of a Thousand by Rodney Wood

JERRY SADOWITZ

There's must be some mistake. He's the 15th greatest standup
but he's aggressive, tasteless, racist, sexist and smells,
has a face like a soggy football, hair that's been fucked up
and wears a top hat stolen from Isambard Kingdom Brunel.

I wish this man to be struck deaf, blind and dumb,
suffer anal fissures, asthma, constipation, impotence,
varicose veins, bedwetting, gonorrhoea, bleeding gums,
piles, hives, insomnia, apoplexy, nose bleeds and cramps.

I wish this man more. I want at least pulled muscles, gout,
amputations and fungal infections. I want to chain him to
the goalposts in Wembley Stadium, see him eaten by scouts,
his remains shitted out and recycled as a dildo.

Even that's not enough. I want all those who howl or laugh
at his shows to be fucked in the ass by Timmy Mallett.
If none of my wishes are granted at least give him Whooping cough,
the occasional boil, court orders or gigs with Jabba the Hutt.

As you may have gathered I don't like this so-called humourist
who smells, is aggressive, tasteless, racist and sexist
and who in 2008 was number 15 on Channel 4's greatest
standups. But to be fair he can do some pretty neat card tricks.


THE GHOST OF A THOUSAND

Ruby Revenge counts the days before
her fav band appear in Aldershot.
She's just 15 and can't fucking wait.
When the hour finally comes and after
Rolo Tomassi and Casino Brawl
have displayed their hairless armpits,
The Ghost of a Thousand take over
the scaffold and Tom screams into
the mic, Mem has a drumkit for a throne,
Gaz is a lumberjack chainsawing his bass
through Left For Dead and Blackday Number
and Andy and Jag thrash their guitars
bringing them to life through the flickering
silver, gold and black of Matchless amps.
During As They Breed They Swarm
headbanging fans become a shoal
of fish around Ruby Revenge who keeps
a curtain of hair over her face showing
her refusal to conform, her sense
of isolation, her feeling she's only cool
wearing the merch and that now
she's just 15 and can't fucking wait.


Rodney Wood says: I've been published recently in Nth Position, Interpreter's House, Krax, Stride and elsewhere previously. I help out at our local arts centre and one day the Director said as you like the gigs so much why don't you write about them. So I have. Everything from thrash metal, country, comedians, guitarists etc to Tibetan monks. I'm the guest reader at Writeangle in Petersfield in November. I'm on Facebook and www.myspace.com/rodneytwood